#438 – the guild of the ristretto

Here! Double page comic! Go! Engage!

109 thoughts on “#438 – the guild of the ristretto

  1. What is it poison or something?

    1. Sugar-free Coffee Mate? Pretty much.

      1. Dammit. I swear I heard trilling violins when he began to pour…

    2. To a coffee elitist, yup.

  2. Poison AND blasphemy all in one plastic package.

  3. I don't know what happened, but I love it.

  4. Woah, the coffee nerd in me almost lashed out at the page. I need to go hug my vacuum-sealed bag of Honduran Esteban Madrid Chavez El Sauce. 2010 Cup of Excellence. Notes of jasmine and apricot.

    1. If we ever meet, the world will combust from pure, caffeinated, single-origin awesome.

  5. How dare he!

    The cup is perfect BY ITSELF

  6. Marigold don't you dare walk into this room. 🙁

    1. Don't you mean Julie?

      1. seriously, though, i hope julie doesn't walk in right now, though you KNOW she is about to…agh! no julie, no! and how hilarious about the guild and coffee-snobbery.

      2. good, so I'm not the only one who thought of those two characters as the same person for the longest time?

    2. …Julie?

      1. shes the other olly employee, the one with the crush on jacob, from 2 strips ago

        looks like a young marigold

        1. not just from 2 strips ago but like FOREVER

  7. Bwahahaha! Oh how I've wanted to do that in the past… the nerve some people have, putting that… filth in perfectly good coffee.

    I didn't know we had a guild though?

    Maybe they brainwashed me to forget when I chose to quit drinking coffee…

  8. Oh, yes. Just… yes. My week is a little more awesome now that I've read this.

    Another quality action sequence with Eve. I was beginning to miss those wonderful panels, but look! Eve destroying blasphemy-laced artificial coffee creamer! And Jacob is smarter than he seems.

  9. I know that stuff is toxic but I had it once and it was kind of yummy. I even hate myself for typing that 🙁

    1. You poor, poor thing 😛

    2. Yes, heaven forbid you do what you enjoy, rather than what snobs tell you you're supposed to enjoy.


      1. When I called it toxic I wasn't being figurative. This stuff is actually really bad for you, I know someone who had a lot of dental issues because they drank it every day. It's also entirely artificial so who knows what else it does to you. That's where my comic stems from, not because it's frowned upon. I still drink my coffee with tons of sugar, and I do so in an unapologetic manner.

        1. * comment, not comic.

    3. And we hate you for typing it too.

  10. 3 words: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!

    someone care to tell me what the hell just happened, and WHY?? what's wrong with that? I'm confused!!!

    The Game.

    1. I just won the game, because the game can only be won ironically.

      Jacob was so ready for this. He did his research, brought something to lure eve in and something to muscle out a confession. Devious!

      1. I won The Game before winning the game was popular.

        1. I tried to win the game but quit instead.

        2. I wasn't trying to win the game, but I did and didn't tell anyone about it because I just didn't think it was that important, and there are more important things to do in life like save the endangered Ecuadorean spit-hamster. Now everyone's all "ooh the game" and inside, I'm all "yeah, I won that already" so I don't say anything.

  11. Panel twelve is epic. Actually panel twelve and on.

    Jacob is one smart cookie

    and Eve…

    I can't believe Eve was one of THEM!!

  12. And I thought that Dresden Codak wa the only Webcomic with an Asian Action Heroine.

    1. I'd hesitate to call someone who takes six months to get out of a train station an "action heroine."

      1. lol, SO true.

        Also, your comment made my morning!

    2. Alain, one word: Manga. 😉

  13. Aha! Did Eve used to be…



  14. You're beautiful. I love you.

    This comic reminds me of ' The Crying of Lot 49.'

    And my wonderful espresso machine.

    1. reminds you of Crying of Lot 49? i imagine "Ristretto" is a play on "Trystero".

      1. I live in Taipei and here, we do in fact have a coffee shop named Ristretto (which is a short pull of espresso – now the real question is did I just know that or did I check Wikipedia?)

  15. His deviousness makes him very attractive to me. 😳

  16. Damn – that would have worked on me, too. Sweet'n'low, I might have just shuddered.

    I confess – I was a barista back when Fair Trade was just becoming a household name – I wonder if caring about a good roast, being ahead of the curve just meant I was a demanding jerk blazing a trail for other fussy, coffee snobbish, demanding jerks? Now look at the mess.

    And now I am going to the kitchen to make stovetop espresso. Because I can.

    And it will taste good.

    1. So what you're saying is….

      You were a coffee snob…. before it was cool? ;D

    2. Thats-thats either doublehipster or meta hipster, either way what does it mean?

      1. It means I am old. Get off my lawn!


    The Manchurian Coffeemate.

    1. That comment just MADE MY DAY. Damien, give yourself an Internet, you've earned it.

      1. Old = Full of Win!


        Oooh, an Internet!

  18. Coffee…blech…I cannot stand that bile. Hot cocoa for me any time!

    1. Hot water and lemon for me… and if i'm feeling really daring, honey (oh my!)

  19. Hah. No way she's really one of US.

    We'd kill whoever dares pouring Holy Ristretto Coffee out of that… thing… and into a… OMG… it looks like a… PAPER… CUP…. this is madness. This is blasphemy.

    1. I just can't see a THIS IS SPARTA thing working here. sorry.

  20. Oh man. I'm of the "why would someone drink coffee at all if they don't like the taste" opinion at the very mildest, snobbish when I'm at my most extreme. And so of course this page also brought out in me the most violent coffee-protection instincts. This may seem like cartoonish exaggeration, but I felt sympathy for those exact actions.

    For those who don't at all understand what happened here:

    To someone who really loves coffee, pouring stuff in that sort of coffee is a crime most vile. Eve reacted quickly to prevent such an atrocity, but in doing so gave herself away as one of an elite class of coffee snobs.

    Ristretto is a special kind of Espresso.

  21. Sugar Free – Brown Sugar & Honey.

    Jacob probably could've used anything but he just had to use… that.

  22. Gosh, that would've even worked on me, and we don't *have* creamer over here! (You have milk in your coffee in Australia. Milk of some description. If you are that fussy you can have soy milk, or skimmed milk. What is this "creamer" that you speak of? We do not know it.)

    Ristretto is a valid version of an espresso shot, but there's never enough there to properly enjoy it. You get half a mouthful and then it's gone. Ristretto is for people who don't actually like coffee but want the caffeine anyway.

    1. You're lucky you don't have any creamer rubbish. It's a non-dairy product that emulates the consistency and "flavor" of actual cream (in liquid form), but mostly consists of corn syrup and vegetable fats. It also comes in powdered form. And it tastes awful.

    2. Ristretto is also for people seeking the most divine ambrosia in a cup 🙂

      Some coffees just do well as ristretto – lighter roasts especially. Props if your cafe serves them – it takes a readjustment on the grinder and on the pump of the espresso machine to come close to making them right, as well as tamping pressure, which all combines to make any errors in preparation compounded.

      If there's not enough, pony up and drink a triple 😀

      If that's not enough, something's wrong. Espresso isn't about volume, anyway.

      Death to the Lungo.

  23. Ohh man did this comic crack me up! 😀

    I'm still a bit of an "intro to coffee" sort of person, but I know enough to know how wrong that would have been. Eve looks epic there.

    I now feel very ashamed that I drank instant coffee from a tin today 🙁 I was weak! One of my coworkers has a french press I should just learn how to use that…

    1. Once you go French press, you never go back. (Joiiiin usssss!)

  24. i brewed pecan coffee today (that a tourist-volunteer brought me from texas) and though we finished the pot, most of my co-workers drank instant instead, which they strongly prefer. it is a barbaric, savage land, here in jerusalem – we also do not have mexican food.

    1. If I didn't have Mexican food, I would surely perish.

  25. Poison? Only to people with tastebuds. :-p

  26. *golf applause* That's the only proper response to such blasphemy. Heathen.


  28. sure hope Julie doesn't walk by and see Eve mounting Jacob, that would be *unfortunate*

  29. One time I was high and went to the convenience store with my friends. The non dairy creamer was in the same case as the yoohoo, so I didn't immediately register exactly what it was. Instead I just called out, "Hey, they got choco hazelnut milk now!"

    and was greeted with a response of "Oh man, that's like nutella you can drink. Grab me a bottle of that shit too, B"

    It didn't taste like drinking nutella.

    1. The sound I just made, a hybrid of laughing and gagging?

      My cat came into the room to see if I was OK.

  30. OutPLAYED, Ning.

  31. Oh god, the snobbery in these comments. God forbid someone enjoy something you don't. For the record I don't use coffee-mate either, but my folks and wife seem to love it. It's no reason to act like someone is drinking poison if you don't care for it.

    For chrissakes, you do all realize this strip is poking fun at people who coffee that seriously, right?

    1. Yeah, for real. I totally agree with you. This is also nearly all we drink in the Philippines, because instant coffee and powdered creamer keep for much longer in the heat, and because, unfortunately, it's much cheaper. Ya'll are such elitist jerks.

      1. Yes, liking nice things is terribly elitist.

        1. Looks like their point just totally flew over your caffeinated head. Or you're just looking for someone to trollolololol.

    2. I'm not a coffee snob by any means (I prefer tea) but it's all artificial and is probably akin to drinking poison in that sense, at least.

  32. Jacob kinda looks like Andrew WK.

  33. I always thought coffee was horrid anyway. Why would I care about the creamer?

  34. I'll drink coffeemate, its good if all you want is a candy-type drink. I also like espresso and other various coffee drinks. As long as it isn't stale maxwell house I'm fine.

    but uh… yeah… blasphemy and such

  35. Of all the things to be nerdy over, coffee…man, I just have no words. Other than, dammit Eve, you took the bait too easily!

  36. Mer, this is AMAZING. Appropriately enough, it made me spit-take my coffee this morning.

  37. Now I'm totally going to listen to So Easy by Royksopp on my way into work

  38. So I guess coffee-mate is to baristas what comic sans is to graphic designers? Because this was amazing.

    1. Or Papyrus, yes. *shudders*

      1. I just threw up a little in my mouth at the mention of those two abominations so close to each other.

        1. I like Papyrus. Then again, I probably wouldn't use it as a graphic design element (well, sparingly.) I like using it for instant messaging fonts. I find it quite legible. 😛 🙂

  39. Oh hell yes. I love Action Eve.

  40. FUCK!

    Started reading not too long ago and I've been slowly catching up. After reading the last page I suddenly wondered how close I was getting to having to wait for updates, and I saw the date and read the note and was like,"Wednesday?! THAT'S. TODAY."

    Mfw I realized my days of instant gratification were over—> D8

    ANYWAY… Octopus Pie is totally worth it, and I'll keep coming back until Meredith stops updating. Probably even for a few months after out of misguided hope and desperation.

    #439! Can't wait!

  41. Hahaha oh nice one, Gran. I think this is my favourite OC yet.

  42. Eve is sworn to protect good coffee. Bless her.

  43. Between the Mississippi River and the Rocky Mountains: Coffeemate, Coffeemate, Coffeemate. Thank the gods for Dean's Chugs bottles.

    — MrJM

  44. BLESS!

    That was absolutely great!! Couldn't stay quiet in the library even. So much action and movement in these panels, love the drawing and the shots, love the joke

  45. I never understood the whole coffeemate thing, but then again I'm more of a tea drinker.

  46. As a Coffee roaster myself, I applaud her well timed tackle. When I go to shows, I can't stand what half of the people do to their coffee. So many people ruin it with a ton of cream and sugar… How can you even taste the coffee.

    1. They probably do that because they don't like the taste of coffee. I prefer chocolate and tea myself but coffee has caffeine in it, so I dump other things into it.

  47. I used to like Eve before today's comic. Now, I'm so in love with her!! Would the gods make her a real girl?

  48. so. EPIC.

    I can't wait to see where this goes. 😀

  49. Coffee is the stuff you drink at 4AM by the bucket to keep from killing someone while operating heavy machinery. I just want some coffee-flavored coffee, not something that 42 virgins picked with their ass cheeks and then was tea-bagged by the Pash of Muntab

    1. Dude, that is a myth. Nobody makes coffee like that.

      Now, Copi Luwac, on the other hand… that shit is true.

      And a damn fine cuppa joe ; )

      1. Cafe Ruiz Panama Guessha is better.

  50. Augh, coffee is so gross. I want to like it. But I can't. Because it tastes like ass.

    I had to read this like three times to get it.

  51. 'The Guild of the Ristretto'…awesome. Mer, you need to make this into a shirt. I would buy it. Hell, I'd wear it too.

  52. I'm going to say that people like coffee with cream, sugar or various flavourings for the same reasons people like chocolate as opposed to plain cocoa. There are people who do like straight-up cocoa nibs, but it would be silly of them to freak out about how making chocolate is RUINING THE BEANS and DESTROYING THE FLAVOUR PROFILE. :3 #firstworldpetpeeves

  53. eve really is the most talented hipster of all time

  54. I really hope Julie isn't standing in the doorway in the next comic. Not because it wouldn't make for an interesting story twist, but because next to the premise of a secret (apparently militant) barista guild, it's a distraction.

  55. No froo froo coffee for me. Although I have a soft spot for mocha lattes…

  56. I cringed visibly at the Coffee Mate.

    oh god what

  57. Ha ha! Barista humor.

  58. As…not so much a coffee snob as a coffee enthusiast (I will totally drink a 7-11 latte but in my meager defense, 7-11 in Taipei is TOTALLY DIFFERENT from what you suckers have in the USA, but I will also spend $7 on a cup of coffee at the place two MRT stops up the line that uses a siphon brewer)…I vote YES on the destruction of Coffee Mate.

    It is a rare and delicious brew that I can drink black. Most coffee isn't good enough to drink it that way. But when I add something to coffee, it's always fresh milk (usually goat milk at home). No sugar. If someone offered me coffee cream in one of those plastic cups, Coffee Mate or (heaven forfend) artificial sweetener I think I might incinerate the offending article with fire from my eyes.

    1. I got into brewing good coffee not even a year ago. I bought a siphon for the purpose. Brews the best coffee I've had, and it's so damn fun to use too.

      I do use hazelnut syrup sometimes in my "discount" beans. I'd feel like I was wasting the flavour of the beans if I used it in anything of higher quality.

  59. Remember those things are bottled in plastic, so think of the force she'd need to burst it like that.

  60. Aw now that's just mean.

  61. It's all about Turkish coffee.

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